Yesterday snowed in Lisbon . Well it snowed in Portugal … in the entire country. Some Siberian cold front and lots of satellite photos after I still haven't got the slightest idea of what caused it. But the truth is that in a country that isn't used to snow, it become the biggest event in the weekend. Everybody wanted to see and touch snow. Grownups acting like children and children just playing their roles. I guess snow has that power.

Although I didn't thought the extreme cold temperatures wore great… I had to fell what I think everyone felt, a little bit of pride to have snow in our back yards.

After all the excitement (and after the snow melt down), I think we wore left with a new subject to reflect on. Two major highways wore closed for most of the day, homeless had nowhere to go, no one knew what to do if the temperatures staid negative during a couple of days and we all ended up with the idea that Portugal isn't ready for any kind of climate anomaly… I believe that with the global warming and the lack of real steps to minimize it, we should start to get ready for all this anomalies.

I'm thinking too much, and that can't be a good thing. I'm trying to rationalize everything I feel, think or experience. And that is a bad thing. We can't rationalize everything that happens in our lives. It's anti-natural.

The big problem for me is that the more I try to find rational explanations for things that haven't any explanation at all, the more miserable I feel (don't get me wrong… I'm not a depressive guy) and the less I understand the things I was thinking about. The majority of what happens to me is quite simple and has no need of deep thinking to be understood… I just don't seem capable of explaining that to my subconscious. So I'll continue to try and understand everything that I feel, try to find second meanings in everything that's said to me and try to guess different meanings in the simple thoughts I have. I guess (as I once read) I'm only human.

My biggest problem is motivation. I have lots of ideas to make my life an extraordinary event. But I lack the motivation to make them come true. I give up very easily, I put the reach point to low.

Although I think the world has to provide me with everything (I explained it in the last post), when it's up to me, then I don't expect anything. Is a duality of criteria that drives me crazy! I guess everybody has a little inner voice telling you, don't try… that's the only way you won't miss. And I also feel that what distinguishes us is the way we overcome that voice.

I'm afraid I'll never be someone that overcomes that felling easily… I guess I have to find the balance that will allow me to live in a more happy way, I'll have to take some of the energy I spend wishing for things, and put it in actually making something that could lead me forward those goals, instead of just waiting for them to turn into reality.

But I'm a realist and know that if the time for me to do that will ever come, it won't be today.

My goals in life are usually impossible ones. And when I realise that they aren't achievable I get sad and depressed. I often believe that, things that aren't in my range can be achieved, and I spend lots of time and energy trying to achieve them. Of course I end up without achieving those things and with a great felling of incapacity, for not being able to achieve them.

So, and for the first time in many years, I'll make a new year resolution (of course it's a little late, but better late then never): I'll start setting my goals in more down to earth objectives, and I'll applying this to all things in life.

I once read that if you always tried to the impossible, then you would get at least some part of what you wished for. But I now disagree entirely with that stupid proposition. I've been trying the impossible and all I keep getting is disappointment and the felling of incapacity. I had enough of that already.

So I'll stop wishing the impossible… and the most that can happen is that I still won't achieve my goals… but at least I'll have a higher probability of achieving them.

Sometimes we think we're living in one reality, when in fact we're living in a completely different reality. You interpret things that simply don't exist, you misinterpret things that exist, and you end up living in a parallel reality that, although it seems fabulous, it's nothing except pure imagination. I think that I'm living in that parallel existence.

The big problem of living in such a reality is that you're always expecting something to happen that will prove you right, that will prove you're not in a parallel existence and everything that you've been living / felling is true and exists.

Even now, while writing this text, I'm still hopping that something (I really don't know what) will happen that proves me right, or (and this is kind of sad) I'm already glad if nothing that could deny my reality happens.

Unfortunately, this universe I'm living in makes me so happy, fills me with so much joy, that I really don't want to find out if it is the truth or not… I'm just living the moment and even if the moment is just happening to me… I don't care, because I haven't been this happy for a long time.

Most hated thing: Hypocrisy
Problem: Am I hypocrite when I say that?

Instead of twelve wishes, this year I made only one. That all the months in 2006 can be at least as good as the last two of 2005.