Xmas

Happy Xmas everyone!

Nobody’s Perfect

I’ve been a real prick in the last few months.

I’ve ended up, for reasons that I do not know, felling sad because everything in my life wasn’t perfect. To give an example: My job, I kept complaining how not spectacular it was, but the reality is that programming presents to me as a challenge every day, and in my team the challenges are even better as they involve more technologies I like. On top of that I have a well paid job, that gives me freedoms that the majority of my friends don’t have... but I complained... and I really don’t know why. If I had to answer the question: What would you like your job to be like? I would probably answer this job, with a better chair.

But this is just an example: I’ve been shoving people, not caring how they feel, not supporting them because I felt bad for myself... without reason. I’m not just talking about my girlfriend or my family, I mean everybody... I have to apologise to a lot of people.

But fortunately all of them like me more that I deserve and for the past few weeks they have been spectacular.

So from the bottom of my heart: Thank you. To everyone that has put up with me when you could just ignore me. I had no right to put everyone through it...

So, thanks.

Rest yourself

Just to calm everyone that came to me in the last week or so because they read my blog and apparently I wasn't able to express myself properly:

I'm not thinking about suicide.. I like to live. Yes, I'm sad and maybe even depressed... but I do not want to die. I want my life to get better not to end...

In fact I think the majority of people I know want the same: For their lives to get better.

So thank you all, it's great to know that so many people care for me and don't worry you'll have to put up with me for lots and lots of years (unless the killer asteroid changes its trajectory again... but then I'll probably won't be your biggest worry...)

Peace?

I’m starting to believe I wasn’t made to smile.

I can’t see a single reason I should. I feel lost everything in my world feels wrong... I can almost swear I forgot to breathe yesterday.
I just feel like there’s no goal worth pursuing, there is nothing that can happen in my life that can improve it... just lots of things waiting to happen that will make it worst, more painful, more troubling.

I ‘m able to feel my hearth beet when I’m anxious... and I’ve been able to ear it a lot in the past month...
I’m starting to hate each and every single beet it makes... If only it would stop... No more uncertainty, no more sadness, no more frustration, no more nothing... except maybe peace.

I miss you more than words can ever say!

Life

Routine brings me down.
My life is so predictable, nothing exciting is predicted in the next three weeks... nothing unpredictable will happen in the near future. That is really sad. In the next three weeks I won't have any goals worth accomplishing, there is no motivation really to get out of bed.

I feel lost!!!

Waking up and realizing that the most vibrant moment of the day will be those 40 minutes on the treadmill at the gym... to see if I can beat the time of the day before..

Knowing everyday that I could be much better on my job (not that I'm bad... but I could be really really good)... but there is no motivation whatsoever to accomplish that... none at all (my last two auto-evaluations haven't even been read by anyone)!

I feel sad...

A friend tells me that I'm depressed. I'm tented to agree... but the reality is that I wonder why isn't the entire world felling like me... I'm unable to see any reason to smile tomorrow morning when I wake up.

I miss you... too much to smile.

Taiwan 2009

The Best is Yet to Come

Life can't be perfect

Well I have to say that until last Tuesday, I was probably the most happy person on earth... now I'm the happiest person on earth but with a cold...
But still, even with fever, cough and lots of people thinking I may have the "deadly" Influenza A, I manage to be extremely happy. And that's all due to the fact that every time I close my eyes I see her smile, every time I think of her I can smell her scent. She gives meaning to my existence, and that was something that was missing for a long time in my life.
I'm finally in love.

Little Thought

Actually I'm glad that reset button doesn't exist. I'll post more after 17th September.

Reset

Life should have a reset button...

Disconnected

The last month and a half should have been one of the greatest periods of my life... instead it has been just life.

I feel that in this period all I’ve achieved are some great stories to tell people I haven’t seen in a while.

So, let’s start from the beginning: why do I say that the last 45 days should have been great;

- Two days after I started the job I wrote about previously... I quit and accepted the one that can send me to Angola.

- I bought a car;

- I moved to a new (better) house;

- In this new job I found a great team;

But all of this just lets me incredibly depressed... If by achieving all of these things I can’t feel happy and fulfilled, then my hopes of being truly happy get extremely diminished.

The biggest problem is that I know what’s missing... it’s too obvious not to notice... but I have no clue how to “address” that issue...

Lisa Ekdahl - Now or Never

The missing... something

There are days I don’t see my life as something happening in the for the present... it just looks like a series of well known steps that wore bound to happen and that just have to happen, so I can live my life in the future.I hate that feeling, it looks like I’m not being responsible for my actions, like I’m not the one in charge of my life.

I’d like to travel the world, see new cultures, meet different people, but just last week I turned down a job, because accepting it meant I would be going to Angola and that would remove me from my comfort zone. I wish I had the courage to just pack a bag and go somewhere different, go alone and just connect with different people, learn a different language... do something I could be proud of.

The last year and a half of my life I got my first job... but that’s it. Ok, with the wage I started earning I went to more places, travelled more, saw more shows... but I still feel that something is missing... I guess spending Saturday nights home writing about how unaccomplished I fell doesn’t help!

George Carlin

The Namesake

Jhumpa Lahiri is the winner of a Pulitzer Prize for her first book (Interpreter of Maladies, witch by the way I also think is brilliant). Afterwards she wrote The Namesake (which actually began as a short story).

The Namesake is a novel about a son of immigrants from Calcutta born in Massachusetts that is named after the famous writer Gogol (His father favourite author). It’s a fabulous book written in very “fluid” English, it loses all the flamboyance that some “newish” writers try to impose us, and focus on the story, on the details of Gogol’s life. Each chapter is a short story, with a different goal and a different set of personages, but always evolving around Gogol (Even in the first ones, that tell us the story before his birth, his parents’ marriage, his father’s love for Gogol, the moving to the US) telling us how he feels living with that particular name, how he feels having such different parents from all his colleagues, how he sometimes even feels marginalized. But it also tells us about his best moments, his achievements, his “joys”... telling us how he has lived the first three and a half decades of his life.

In the overall the book is fantastic; I really think it’s one of the best books I’ve read in the last year or so and I hope this young writer will presents us with more novels.

Palestine

From
Divine Intervention

(Thanks to isabel victor)

SCREAM!

I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to scream about all the misunderstandings in the world! The big, the small, the ones in purpose and the ones that are unintentional! I just want to scream!
Is it so complicated? Couldn’t we all just say what we thought of one another’s? Without having to conceal opinions, without trying to understand if what someone said to us, had any hidden message?
Would truth hurt that bad? Or are we just afraid of not receiving the approval of our peers? Is that fear more damaging than actually not receiving that approval? Are we all just cowards for not “speaking” the entire truth?
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The best of 2008

Best book read

Antonio Alçada Baptista – Nós e os Laços

Best film

There Will Be Blood

Best CD

Coldplay - Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends

Best music

Violet Hill - Coldplay

Best theatre play

Terra de Fuga (Escape Land) (Teatro da Trindade)

Best live concert

Aimee Mann – (Coliseu de Lisboa)

Best blog (in English)

http://www.homerejuvenation.com.sg/

Best blog (in Portuguese)

http://caderno.josesaramago.org/