Xmas

Happy Xmas everyone!

Nobody’s Perfect

I’ve been a real prick in the last few months.

I’ve ended up, for reasons that I do not know, felling sad because everything in my life wasn’t perfect. To give an example: My job, I kept complaining how not spectacular it was, but the reality is that programming presents to me as a challenge every day, and in my team the challenges are even better as they involve more technologies I like. On top of that I have a well paid job, that gives me freedoms that the majority of my friends don’t have... but I complained... and I really don’t know why. If I had to answer the question: What would you like your job to be like? I would probably answer this job, with a better chair.

But this is just an example: I’ve been shoving people, not caring how they feel, not supporting them because I felt bad for myself... without reason. I’m not just talking about my girlfriend or my family, I mean everybody... I have to apologise to a lot of people.

But fortunately all of them like me more that I deserve and for the past few weeks they have been spectacular.

So from the bottom of my heart: Thank you. To everyone that has put up with me when you could just ignore me. I had no right to put everyone through it...

So, thanks.

Rest yourself

Just to calm everyone that came to me in the last week or so because they read my blog and apparently I wasn't able to express myself properly:

I'm not thinking about suicide.. I like to live. Yes, I'm sad and maybe even depressed... but I do not want to die. I want my life to get better not to end...

In fact I think the majority of people I know want the same: For their lives to get better.

So thank you all, it's great to know that so many people care for me and don't worry you'll have to put up with me for lots and lots of years (unless the killer asteroid changes its trajectory again... but then I'll probably won't be your biggest worry...)

Peace?

I’m starting to believe I wasn’t made to smile.

I can’t see a single reason I should. I feel lost everything in my world feels wrong... I can almost swear I forgot to breathe yesterday.
I just feel like there’s no goal worth pursuing, there is nothing that can happen in my life that can improve it... just lots of things waiting to happen that will make it worst, more painful, more troubling.

I ‘m able to feel my hearth beet when I’m anxious... and I’ve been able to ear it a lot in the past month...
I’m starting to hate each and every single beet it makes... If only it would stop... No more uncertainty, no more sadness, no more frustration, no more nothing... except maybe peace.

I miss you more than words can ever say!

Life

Routine brings me down.
My life is so predictable, nothing exciting is predicted in the next three weeks... nothing unpredictable will happen in the near future. That is really sad. In the next three weeks I won't have any goals worth accomplishing, there is no motivation really to get out of bed.

I feel lost!!!

Waking up and realizing that the most vibrant moment of the day will be those 40 minutes on the treadmill at the gym... to see if I can beat the time of the day before..

Knowing everyday that I could be much better on my job (not that I'm bad... but I could be really really good)... but there is no motivation whatsoever to accomplish that... none at all (my last two auto-evaluations haven't even been read by anyone)!

I feel sad...

A friend tells me that I'm depressed. I'm tented to agree... but the reality is that I wonder why isn't the entire world felling like me... I'm unable to see any reason to smile tomorrow morning when I wake up.

I miss you... too much to smile.