No more excuses

I bought my brand new laptop – TOSHIBA SATELLITE U300-14P
I think it's great! Really not even 2Kgs, a battery that goes on forever and very fast. As I don’t like games (well I don’t like playing computer games...), this is really all I need.

Just a thought

This was written with my grandfather in mind.

A new online life

Hum... well I haven't posted much because I still do not have my own computer. I can assure that this blog isn't dead.
I know that the purchase of a new computer is close, probably next month... and then the whole blog will be redesigned, and two more blogs will appear.
- One in Portuguese;
- Another in English about computers; (I am after all a computer science guy... whatever that means).

After I get my driving license (and stop wasting 1.5 hour to get to work and 2 more coming back) I'll probably start a forth blog about books, films, theatre, museums and all that kind of stuff... but this project won't even be seriously pondered until after summer...

Just thinking I work at less than 15 kilometres from my house, that there is no traffic to get there, and that I spend more than an hour to get there... grrrr

Until then: Be happy!

Grandpa

I’m a very lucky person. I’ve never had to deal with the death of someone. When the day to face the death of someone I know comes, I just don’t know how I’ll react.

My grandpa had a stroke yesterday. I didn’t knew that information until today, when I was on my way to visit him in the hospital.

I’ve never been prepared on how to deal with the death of someone close, and yet I think (I’m almost absolutely sure) I know how I will deal with it, when the time comes. I suspect I won’t cry, won’t shout, but I’ll be torn inside, I won’t know how to deal with it, so I’ll just suppress it.

He had a stroke ten years ago, and he recovered. Looking back, I can almost go back in time ten years. I don’t think anyone in the family experienced the same feelings today as they did ten years ago, and yet what happened was almost identical.

I’m not very good in externalizing my feelings. In fact, I’m awful when it comes to feelings. So I just suppress them, it’s very hard to look at me and see if I’m extremely sad, or extremely happy.

Anyone, but me. I’m not saying that anyone stopped loving grandpa, or that they are more prepared if he leaves us now that they wore back then. It’s not that. It’s just that they all had different reactions now, different from the ones they had back then. In fact, this time the majority is far more optimistic than they wore ten years ago.

I’m not good in having senses. I don’t have “good feelings” or a six sense that tells me everything is going to be alright. On the other hand I’m not pessimistic, in fact if I had to classify myself I would do so by placing myself in the optimist group.

My feeling this time was exactly the same as it was ten years ago. (And it’s curious I’m able to describe it so well... me that can’t even point into a specific spot when the doctor asks: where does it hurt?) It felt (it still feels) like a thousand hands squishing all my organs, all my veins, all my muscles, everything inside my body felt (still feels) like it was being squished with the strength of a thousand hands.

I’m that guy that can’t stay a day without making a joke. I need to see people around me smiling. I’m not a clown, or at least, I don’t intend to be a clown, but if I find the opportunity to make a joke that I know will make someone laugh, then I’ll make the joke.

Today I found myself making jokes to my cousins in the waiting room of the hospital. I desperately needed to see someone smile. I needed to feel that there was hope, even if it was a very “tiny piece” of hope. I needed to feel it.

What will I be like if I experience the death of someone close to me? Every time something bad happened to someone that is close to me (the stroke of my grandpa, when my sister was run over by a car, when my aunt had a beginning of cancer) I’ve always felt the same thing: This squishing inside, this unbearable weight on top of every organ inside of my body. This anguish that removes my usual optimism.

Today I felt the hope I needed to feel when I saw my grandpa smiling. When I saw his face illuminated by a big smile. It felt as all those stupid thoughts that I had in my head wore taken away, all at the same time, and all just by a smile.

So today I’ll go to sleep with just two things on my mind. The first one is my grandpa’s smile. The second is the fear of losing that smile.

I need your smile. I need you.

Just a little text

I’ve been struggling to not write in my blog!!!
So I’m using my sister’s computer.
I want to write about so many things… but I guess I’ll end up just writing about how happy I feel.
I’ve ended the first part of my masters and my Italian classes are also going extremely well…
I’m even finding friends in the most improbable and unexpected places… really!!!
Hum…. Not a very long text…but without computer it’s hard!!